LDS CHURCH, Top Scholars Officially Reject The Literal Existence Of Adam, Dubbing The Belief “Adam-GUY Theory”

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—In a stunning display of solidarity with atheistic, secular scholarship, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (in partnership with BYU) now teaches that Father Adam did not exist, at least in the literal sense. According to the Church-affiliated scholar we contacted, "the science shows with absolute logical certainty that the idea of a common ancestor was conceived by superstitious cavemen who rarely knew what they were talking about." When asked about where we actually came from, they graciously informed us that we "probably owe our existence to a primordial fish or something. Maybe even a small rock. You know, our common ancestor."

They went on to explain that they labeled the outdated belief 'Adam-Guy theory', because "'Adam' just isn't a guy who actually shows up in the historical record." When reminded of several ancient sources that describe an Adam-like figure, including the Book of Mormon, they asserted it couldn't be true "according to actually reliable sources, like the opinions of really smart atheists."

This unprecedented doctrinal innovation is an echo of past reforms, such as the Church's official abandonment of Adam-God doctrine. During the late 1970's and early 1980's, Church leaders such as Spencer W. Kimball, Bruce R. McConkie, and Mark E. Peterson decried Adam-God doctrine, with McConkie even calling it a deadly heresy. We are grateful that these men saved us from the teachings of Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, and John Taylor. We must always remember that living prophets are more important than dead prophets, like Smith, Young, and Taylor. Writing of heroes such as Kimball, McConkie, and Peterson reminds us to grieve that they are no longer with us.

We recently attended a multi-stake youth fireside, which was aimed at introducing the doctrinal change. The Church is rolling out several of these firesides in order to quickly build understanding among the youth. The event was presided over by Elder Dawkins, an Area Seventy. While speaking he remarked, "What a wonderful occasion, to be blessed with new, divine understanding. The fact that you, the Lord's youth battalion, progressed from trilobites, to lizard things, to apes is remarkable. It shows that with God, you truly can do anything."

We were given a special treat near the end, where it was revealed that the Church had invested millions into creating an exact AI replica of Bruce R. McConkie's mind by analyzing all of his books, sermons, and personal correspondences. They then unveiled an animatronic in McConkie's likeness, which had been combined with the AI to produce a new mascot and champion of the doctrinal change. At the very end, the animatronic stated that the youth needed to "embrace the ongoing Restoration, or be counted among thieves, liars, and heretics."

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