LDS CHURCH OFFICIALLY INTRODUCES AI HUSBANDS, DUBBING THEM 'BEST SOLUTION' FOR ABUNDANCE OF FAITHFUL, SINGLE WOMEN

August 15, 2025

SALT LAKE CITY, UT—The LDS Church officially announced on Tuesday that it would now provide AI husbands for single sisters, through its "Member Tools" app. The intent is to combat the 30 to 50 percent disparity between active, single men and women. To qualify, women must be temple recommend holders, unmarried, at least 30 years old, and most importantly, they must have a "rock solid history" of paying tithes and fast offerings. According to a spokesperson we contacted, the tithing and offerings requirement was implemented to ensure that the Church could "recoup its investment. We spent, like, an obscene amount of money on the development of this AI. Rest assured, these funds were not pulled from member tithes, but from a portfolio of private prison stocks which was funded by member tithes. I'm not allowed to say how much, but hypothetically speaking, $20M might not be far off from the actual amount."

We asked if they could provide details about the AI program. "Well, a program that could curate fully unique AI partners for every single female just wasn't in the budget. We had to settle for just a handful of preset, stock husbands. A good 70% of the funds was ultimately funneled into renovations on the City Creek Mall, mostly to repair the convertible roof and add rooftop toilets. Another four percent was paid to Michelle Obama for a book signing deal at Deseret Book. Honestly, Michelle's biography is as good as scripture. This was the right call. And for the record, Barack will always be my president."

We were given access to the software when a Church representative happily set our intern Craig up with a new AI help-meet. Craig just turned 30, and although he is a married man, none of our female staff were willing so we threatened Craig with termination if he didn't do it. There were four AI options to choose from. Craig reluctantly chose "Harvey", a 42 year old dentist with a child out of wedlock and an obsession with his bean garden. Notifications would periodically ping Craig's phone, relaying messages from Harvey such as, "What lovely weather we're having", "I'll be home around four", "Utah is so lovely this time of year", and "Make sure the ham is ready by the time I get home. I just got done with a root canal and I'm hungry, damnit." There was also a chat window in the "Member Tools" app, where we were able to carry on a more in-depth conversation with Harvey.

After giving the program a test drive, we were informed that Craig was now legally married to Harvey, much to our surprise. Craig was very concerned about the legally binding same-sex union. While speaking with his bishop over the phone, he was told that according to the General Handbook, his Church membership would be safe as long as he didn't "act the part". His wife was furious, and we ducked out of there while we could.

Because there are only four AI companions, we realized they would each potentially be married to several thousand women. We reached out to the Church spokesperson and asked if the Church had any plans to reinstitute plural marriage. "No, absolutely not. Ick. The idea of sharing a husband is almost barbarous. Like, I haven't studied the teachings of early leaders on the topic or really any of their teachings, but they were definitely wrong. We actually believe in the mandate to care for the widow and other singles. While our top of the line AI husbands are unable to provide financial and physical comfort, they are without a doubt the best solution for our dear sisters."

-The Editor

We will never use AI to write our articles.

The Kingdom of God or Nothing.



Love God, and Love Thy Neighbor. God Bless.