Having Nightmares Of Heber J. Grant?



Try This One Weird Trick

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August 8, 2025

We've all been there.


Those who are led by God to transition into Mormon fundamentalism typically have a common experience. First, we learn about the principles of Mormon fundamentalism, such as plural marriage. These are often introduced by a tradmo friend or relative who's relishing the opportunity to shatter our worldview and drag us down like crabs in a bucket. (It's okay though, they're dragging us down from our rameumptom.)


Next, we discover that legitimate Priesthood authority can exist outside of the Church, and that the Church, Priesthood, and Kingdom of God are distinct entities. We may learn of Joseph's Quorum of the Anointed and the Council of Fifty during this stage. Now we begin to think we know it all.


At some point, we learn all about Heber J. Grant, seventh president of the LDS Church. For our uninitiated readers, Grant reformed the faith by doing almost everything the first six presidents taught would remove Priesthood authority from the Church. Awesome, right? This process often leads to a sense of betrayal, anger toward Grant and the Church, high blood pressure, and a complicated pill regimen.


This is when the nightmares start. With no fundie therapists to video chat or helplines to call, we're left to shiver in bed with a blanket over our head. Fortunately, we've come up with a routine that will have you sleeping like a baby again in no time. If Heber J gives you the heebie-jeebies, follow these steps:


  1. Get snuggled up and ask a spouse or neighbor to check under your bed. This will help you to feel secure. Have them plug in the nightlight and turn the lights off.
  2. Have a picture of Brigham Young resting on your night stand. The "Lion of the Lord" is sure to scare away all the baddies. You might also consider setting up a cardboard cutout of Brigham in the room.
  3. Close your eyes and count wives until you're passed out. True Blue Mormon women are some of the most honorable, virtuous, and valiant women on this planet.
  4. If you wake up from a Grantite nightmare in a cold sweat, sing "I am a Child of God" until your breathing returns to normal. You can also read the Deseret Dagger until you feel tired again.


We hope this helps! God bless!


-The Editor

We will never use AI to write our articles.


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