Having Nightmares Of Heber J. Grant?



Try This One Weird Trick

Image description

We've all been there.


Those who are led by God to transition from the Church to Mormon fundamentalism typically have a common experience. First, we learn about the principles of Mormon fundamentalism, such as plural marriage. These are often introduced early by parents who value the Church's traditional teachings, or by a friend who's relishing the opportunity to shatter our worldview and drag us down like crabs in a bucket. (It's okay though, they're doing us a favor by dragging us down from our rameumptom.)


Next, we discover that legitimate Priesthood authority can exist outside of the Church, and that the Church and Priesthood are distinct entities. We may learn of Joseph's Quorum of the Anointed and the Council of Fifty during this stage. Now we begin to think we know everything.


At some point, we learn all about Heber J. Grant, seventh president of the LDS Church. For our uninitiated readers, Grant reformed the faith by doing almost everything that the first six presidents taught would cause the Church to lose the Priesthood. Awesome, right? This process often leads to a sense of betrayal, anger toward Grant and the Church, high blood pressure, and a complex pill regimen.


This is when the nightmares start. With no fundamentalist therapists to video chat or 24/7 helplines to call, we're left to shiver in bed with a blanket over our head. Fortunately, we've come up with a routine that will have you sleeping like a baby again in no time. If Heber J gives you the heebie-jeebies, follow these steps:


  1. Get snuggled up and ask a spouse or neighbor to check under your bed. This will immediately help you to feel more secure. Have them plug in the nightlight and turn the lights off.
  2. Have a picture of Brigham Young resting on your night stand. The "Lion of the Lord" is sure to scare away the baddies. You might also consider setting up a cardboard cutout of Young in the room.
  3. Close your eyes and count wives until you're passed out. The women who embrace Mormon fundamentalism are some of the most honorable, virtuous, Christ-like beings on this planet. This can help comfort you.
  4. If you wake up from a Grantite nightmare in a cold sweat, sing "I am a Child of God" until your breathing returns to normal. Hug your knees and rock back and forth if it helps. You can also read the Deseret Dagger until you feel tired again.


We hope this helps! God bless!

We will never use AI to write our articles.


The Kingdom of God or Nothing.



Love God, and Love Thy Neighbor. God Bless.