Community of Christ Announces

'Zion's Landing Theme Park'

August 11, 2025

INDEPENDENCE, MO—The Community of Christ, formerly known as the ‘Reorganized’ Church, announced on Tuesday that they are planning to turn their temple grounds into Zion’s Landing Theme Park. After 160 years of planning and a dedication back in 1994, the leadership seems to think what their sacred space needs is some chlorine burns and greasy funnel cakes.

‘We’ve really put a lot of thought and prayer into this,’ said President Stassi Cramm while donning mouse ears that read ‘Ask Me About My Priesthood.’ ‘The Spirit affirmed that our daily prayer services just aren’t cutting it anymore.’

The projected highlight of the park, called The Fibonacci Sequence, turns their temple, previously a ‘shell of peace,’ into a water slide. Park visitors will descend the spire in three-seater tubes at face-melting speeds. Park designer Jennifer Whitmer commented, ‘This water slide lets people experience the journey of discipleship with the chance of chlorine burns and swimsuit mishaps.’

Another planned attraction, The Great Schism Splitter, is a log flume that forces riders to choose between the ‘Traditional Route’ and the ‘Progressive Route.’ One ends in a disappointing splash while the other ends with an epic fireworks display, rainbow lights, and a dancing troupe wearing gender-neutral wetsuits. 

‘You know, my great-great-grandfather always used to say that this area would be Zion,’ chuckled local resident and hardware store owner, John Cutler. ‘I’m pretty sure he didn’t think that’d include an overpriced gift shop and season passes.’

Schism groups from the former RLDS Church have already announced they are planning to open their own park called Remnant Land. Their slogan? “The Way Things Used To Be.” It will be located near the Remnant Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints headquarters.

The raising of 'Zion's Landing' will begin next week. They will hold the park’s dedication in April 2026.

-Brother Sinclair

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